i wasn't always this way

i was born with a severe peanut allergy almost 27 years ago and i never outgrew it. but it never hindered me as much as it has in the past three years. i used to go out to restaurants & parties and not really fear what would happen to me if i ate something. i trusted people when they told me there weren't any peanuts in the food they were giving me. but all that changed almost 3 years ago.

3 years ago i was working for a company & had a reaction in the dining room after a nut found its way onto my salad (i used to eat from the cafeteria all the time). i was unprepared. my epipen was expired. i didn't have any benedryl on hand. fortunately, i found some benedryl and took a large dose. the company would not let someone on my team call 911. they had a protocol that was supposed to be followed (call the security desk, the security desk will notify the nurse on staff, the security desk will call 911 when the nurse says to and only the nurse could physically help me). needless to say, i was not a happy camper, and fortunately, i did not swallow the nut or things could have gotten very ugly.

the next day, my team members were forced to sign waivers saying they would not take action if i had an allergic reaction. i began to feel unsafe in my work environment. i started bringing my lunch every day. i stopped eating in the dining room for fear of particles floating into my food. i washed my hands constantly in case someone who ate a peanut butter sandwich touched the door handle before washing his hands. i completely stopped going out to eat. i stopped eating food i didn't prepare myself (even food from my own mother) and i began having panic attacks. it wasn't long before everything i was doing at work spilled over into my home life. and my husband started wondering where the girl that he married disappeared to.

after 3 months, i decided to see my doctor. he gave me an anti-anxiety medication. i took it for 9 months and there was no change, so i stopped taking it. it became, and continues to be, a mental battle.

i have begun to ease out of the depths where i was. but i still do things that 3 years ago i would have thought were crazy. case and point, when i cook, i wash everything i'm going to use before i use it. i also won't touch the food i'm eating or cooking unless i have JUST washed my hands. it's pretty silly, and in the winter, my hands get crazy dry.

this blog is dedicated to logging my journey back to what i view as sanity. i'm going to be taking measures to stretch myself a bit and get back to where i used to be. i feel like i've lost a part of myself and that my personality has also suffered a hit because i can't be as spontaneous, social or fun as i used to be. i feel trapped.

so, here it goes. those of you who struggle with the same thing, or have kids who have allergies and you're anxious for them, i hope this blog provides a little bit of relief for you or just serves as something to relate to.

cheers,
AnxiousAllergyGirl